As the end of the year descends upon us I have been reflecting. Actually I reflect a lot and it’s not just due to my paleness. This year has been full of ups and downs. The ups have not been so high and the downs have been pretty low but it happens.
If you asked me a year ago what would be going on in my life it would no way resemble what it looks like right now. I could see myself living in Maine and in an IT job but there was no way I would have thought I would be single and on such an emotional roller coaster.
I started this on the 23rd. Now it’s the 26th and it ain’t any easier and yes I said AIN’T. I was just listening to Careless Whisper, Seether’s version, and it got me thinking. Well, the lines
“We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now who’s gonna dance with me?”
And I lost it…Heck, I am losing it now…Thank God Skid Row just popped on with 18 and Life instead of I Remember You!
AS things go through my mind they come back to that marriage is supposed to be FOR LIFE. Until Death do we part. You know that line? Was there anything I could have done to make sure it didn’t get to this point? Yes there was but I was blind to and/or ignored them. It’s a lot easier to ignore things and sweep them under the rug and just pretend they don’t exist that is until you are forced to deal with them and at that point they could destroy the nice little utopia you have going on in your mind. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, but when I have been preaching COMMUNICATION and then don’t follow that, what does that say? It says I was a douche and human…
I realize that things could have been different and should have been different but it didn’t quite work out like that. I can accept that in time until that happens there will probably be tears and doubts and self pity. I am not the Rock of Gibraltar and never claimed to be and even if I were, rocks break down over time…I guess the one thing that makes it harder is that I don’t hate Christine, in fact I still care about her and dare I say I love her very much. She will always have a place in my heart and that is what hurts the most. INSERT FUCK BEANS HERE.
LOL! Now I sit here laughing reading over what I am writing and wondering if I ever had a coherent thought and if I did could I string them together into a coherent paragraph, essay, story whatever…I got a bunch of stories that are doozies that would make the Movie of the Week seem like an afterschool special.
December 29th…It’s early still…You’re almost here…A date I look forward too and despise at the same time…It’s moving towards me at a blazing speed…something I would never have guessed last year at this time. A year…A unit in time where almost anything can happen. Even that which you least expect…2009. End of a decade…End of one of the shittiest years of my life…
More later…
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