A friend of mine, who I hope to carry on a close relationship with and one that will blossom into something more, is in the hospital in Boston and here I am in Maine helpless. It really makes me reflect on how many things can change in an instant. Thinking of why might be and how it could effect my life for the better. Looking at the future with a smile all of the sudden takes a back seat to the present.
No matter what might, could or will be does not matter now. All that matters is getting her home in the best possible health. What ever happens between us happens and does not matter until she is 100% the way she used to be and that may take a while. But that is fine with me, because it’s the friendship that is more endearing and aren’t all relationships better when that person you are with is also your best friend?
I guess the hardest part is feeling helpless about it all. Does she need me there? She has a loving family and children who are there to help her in her time of need and I send encouragement via texts a few times a day. While I hope/wish I could do more right now it’s the best I can do.
I am not a very religious person, not in the least. Lisa is and I have found myself saying a quiet prayer for her because if there is a GOD I would hope he/she/it would help in her recovery and pain.
So, here I sit, looking to the future, which is one minute, hour day at a time to get Lisa back home and recovered and then life can pick up from there. I miss you beautiful…
Holding back the Years…
Feb 23
It’s just a year…
Dec 26
As the end of the year descends upon us I have been reflecting. Actually I reflect a lot and it’s not just due to my paleness. This year has been full of ups and downs. The ups have not been so high and the downs have been pretty low but it happens.
If you asked me a year ago what would be going on in my life it would no way resemble what it looks like right now. I could see myself living in Maine and in an IT job but there was no way I would have thought I would be single and on such an emotional roller coaster.
I started this on the 23rd. Now it’s the 26th and it ain’t any easier and yes I said AIN’T. I was just listening to Careless Whisper, Seether’s version, and it got me thinking. Well, the lines
“We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now who’s gonna dance with me?”
And I lost it…Heck, I am losing it now…Thank God Skid Row just popped on with 18 and Life instead of I Remember You!
AS things go through my mind they come back to that marriage is supposed to be FOR LIFE. Until Death do we part. You know that line? Was there anything I could have done to make sure it didn’t get to this point? Yes there was but I was blind to and/or ignored them. It’s a lot easier to ignore things and sweep them under the rug and just pretend they don’t exist that is until you are forced to deal with them and at that point they could destroy the nice little utopia you have going on in your mind. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, but when I have been preaching COMMUNICATION and then don’t follow that, what does that say? It says I was a douche and human…
I realize that things could have been different and should have been different but it didn’t quite work out like that. I can accept that in time until that happens there will probably be tears and doubts and self pity. I am not the Rock of Gibraltar and never claimed to be and even if I were, rocks break down over time…I guess the one thing that makes it harder is that I don’t hate Christine, in fact I still care about her and dare I say I love her very much. She will always have a place in my heart and that is what hurts the most. INSERT FUCK BEANS HERE.
LOL! Now I sit here laughing reading over what I am writing and wondering if I ever had a coherent thought and if I did could I string them together into a coherent paragraph, essay, story whatever…I got a bunch of stories that are doozies that would make the Movie of the Week seem like an afterschool special.
December 29th…It’s early still…You’re almost here…A date I look forward too and despise at the same time…It’s moving towards me at a blazing speed…something I would never have guessed last year at this time. A year…A unit in time where almost anything can happen. Even that which you least expect…2009. End of a decade…End of one of the shittiest years of my life…
More later…
Update…
Dec 21
It’s almost over…It’s bittersweet and my emotions are mixed…
Posted without comment.
Artist: Dawn Johnson Carolyn
Song: Complicated
Album: Room With A View
I’m so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contridiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.
So complicated, I’m so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don’t. It’s so complicated.
Oh..just when I think I’m under control.
I think I got a grip.
Another friend tells me that, I’m always on your lips.
They say I’m more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I’ve seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It’s so confusing. I wish you’d just confess.
But think of what I’d
be losin’, if your answer isn’t yes.
So complicated I’m so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don’t, It’s so complicated.
Oh, I hate it. ‘Cuz I’ve waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know,but then again I don’t.
It’s so complicated..
It’s so complicated..
It’s so complicated.
Ohh..
Thoughts…
Aug 7
So I’m sitting here waitin to get my hair cut and I started to think. *laughter pause*
done laughing yet?
*more laughter pause*
the brain has a certain aptitude to try to make certain thoughts reality. It can take the most innocent of things, twist it around and turn it into something more than it should be.
I’ve learned recently that when there is an emptyness your heart tries to fill it as fast as possible.
That all may sound like a bad thing, when actually it’s not. It’s the heart trying to heal itself. It tries to fill that void faster than the brain wants to let it and in doing so tricks the brain into accepting it.
Some people call it a rebound. I call it healing.
I had a discussion with a friend about rebounds and she said that a person needs it. I disagreed saying that it’s not needed. I see now that it is needed as part of the healing process.
The brain and heart need to get back in synch and this is part of the process.
Healing is hard and does not happen overnight but it happens and sometimes somethings are out of your control. At that point try to go with the flow and attempt to be rational. It’s not always possible but one has to at least try.
Yeah. I think I need to think less.
Socialism?
Aug 6
Websters defines socialism as
a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole.
People are all up in arms about how they all think that President Obama is going to bring the US to it’s knees with his marxist regime! OH NOES!
They scream from the rafters after hearing some agenda driven talk radio host or pundit on a tv news show about this.
I find that funny in many ways…I wonder how many of these people are married and receive tax breaks because of it? I wonder how many of these people have homes and receive tax breaks because of it. I wonder how many of these people have received education funds for college because of it, or send their kids to public schools? Or use public transportation, or receive unemployment, or receive subsidised housing or receive food stamps? Or bought a new car with the cash for clunkers program? Or get SOCIAL SECURITY or Medicare or Medicade or went to a free clinic or the ER and didn’t pay the bill…I could go on and on and on, but I am willing to bet that the majority of these people LOVE their Socialism when it fits their needs and are not whipped into a frenzy by some talking blow hard with an agenda.
Love thy neighbor was a nice thought by Jesus, It’s too bad that a lot of people here in the US don’t subscribe to that theory. Maybe we can petition the Pope to change the Bible or see if King James or Martin Luther are hidden somewhere so we can re-write certain passages in the bible specifically for the US Audience.
Love Thy Neighbor, unless you have to pay for them too. Who cares if they are down trodden or sick or bed ridden. BOOT STRAPS!
Is it wrong to want to get health care for all US Citizens? Is it wrong to want your fellow man to have piece of mind, knowing that if something happens to them or their family they are covered? A healthy populace is a happy and productive populace.
But what do I know. I lived off of Food Stamps, went to public schools, took public transportation, got an FHA Loan, got the marriage tax breaks etc, etc, etc…I guess I am a socialist…Are you???
Reboot Almost Complete.
Aug 2
I compared my divorce and move to Maine as a Reboot, like a computer Reboot. It pretty much starts over and wipes the slate clean. I channeled my inner Geek. Ok, so it’s not really inner it’s who I am.
I had a checklist of things I needed to accomplish and am left with 1 thing left.
1. File for Divorce—DONE
2. Quit my Job and move to Maine—Done
3. Establish previous friendships with friends in Maine—Done (For the most part)
4. Find a Job—Done
5. Move into a place of my own—Incomplete
6. Sign the Divorce Papers—Incomplete.
So I am basically down to 2 things left and a lot of my prior life in VA have been purged. I have kept the friendships I made while there and will cherish them.
I will say that my life is making the progress right now that I had planned and am happy with.
There have been ups and downs and there will be more, but the friends that I have had made them all manageable.
I for one had taken them for granted but when the chips were down and you need them, the true friends are there. For that I am very grateful! The future looks good so it’s time to charge forward and while the past was not the best, it has made me into who I am today so I embrace it all and live on…
Party on Wayne!
Estranged by Guns N Roses
When you’re talkin to yourself
And nobody’s home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone
(Alone)
So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what’ll happen to you baby
Guess we’ll have to wait and see
One, two
Old at heart but I’m only 28
And I’m much too young
To let love break my heart
Young at heart but it’s getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart
I don’t know how you’re s’posed
To find me lately
An what more could you ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me
Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn’t hesitate
If I’m to find my own way out
Still talkin’ to myself and nobody’s home
(Alone)
So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what’ll happen to us baby
Guess we’ll have to wait and see
When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I’ll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I’ll get it right next time
An now that you’ve been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You’re back down on the ground
And you don’t talk so loud
An you don’t walk so proud
Any more, and what for
Well I jumped into the river too many times
to make it home
I’m out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn’t show give it time
To read between the lines
‘Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We’ve ever known’s here
Why must it drift away and die
I’ll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I’ll have to make it thru, this time
Oh this time
Without you
I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we’ve ever known’s here
I never wanted it to die
Moving on.
Jun 19
When you grow up you have a certain expectation or perception of how things are supposed to be. You expect family to be there, you expect someone to answer when you call 911, you perceive the military to be full of virtuous people and you expect to utter “till death do us part” to mean well, you will be with that person until you die…
Sometimes things shatter these expectations and perceptions. I always expected my marriage to be one of those expectations that lasted forever, but like life, shit happens. Sometimes there is good shit and sometimes there is bad shit and sometimes there is shit that no matter what happens anyway. Well, in this case, it just happened.
As mentioned before, it has been tough and since I am an emotional person, it has been extra tough. Going to work each day keeping a smile on my face and trying to be stoic only ended up kicking me in the ass in the end. It’s hard to keep life and word separate and when this happens it’s even harder. Sometimes it’s good things and sometimes it’s bad things. It just so happened that this time it was a good and bad thing. A work confrontation pushed me over the edge, though I did not do anything, it was the last straw and due to that I made the decision to just take the plunge. I made a snap decision and decided to put in my 2 week notice and pack up what I have left and move back to where I always considered home.
One cannot describe the amount of stress one gets when you are going through something like this, but when I sent off the email stating I am leaving, it was like someone removed a huge weight off of me. It’s like I can actually breath now, and of course that was gone once I thought about, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!? I don’t have a job and I just making a leap of faith, even if you have none.
Thankfully I have a good support system in Maine already. I have the Staples family who is like my second family. I have high school and college friends that have wandered back into my life via Facebook. (Just a suggestion for those out there, just because you leave does not mean you have to drop all contact with all of your longtime friends. That is the WORST thing to do, I am just glad I found them again). I have all I need and the job will come and the pain will subside, joy and happiness will come and best of all life will go on.
I will probably always love Christine as she will hold a space in my heart forever but somethings are just not meant to be and as much as it hurt, this is really the best for both of us.
This chapter of my life will close on June 26th, 2009 and the new chapter will begin when I drive over the Piscataqua River Bridge and welcome the embrace of home…
Test from iphone
Jun 19
Thus a test to see if I can post from my iPhone.